I have almost always struggled with my weight. I was a chunky kid turned chunky adult who occasionally has "gotten it right" and enjoyed a few blissful months here and there where I have actually liked my body. I thought I had hit the jackpot in 2011-2012 when I was finally able to control my eating, get lots of exercise, and lose the unwanted pounds and fit into all the clothes I had ever wanted to wear. I was energized, not letting food control me and I had finally become a runner. I felt absolutely fantastic . . . for awhile.
Fast-forward to July 2013 when I had trained for my second 1/2 marathon by eating more than running. After all, I was running, so didn't I deserve the extra food? No. I didn't. And a few runs could not outweigh (pun intended) the extra calories I was consuming. The weight was creeping up and I was soon forgetting what it felt like to fit into those new clothes I had purchased the previous year. The run was certainly not my best, by far, since I hadn't trained properly, was carrying extra pounds, and had to deal with the excruciatingly hot temperatures that morning. As I crossed the finish line, instead of celebrating, I felt like a huge failure. Hey, I just completed a 1/2 marathon! I shouldn't feel bad, right? Well, right, and I know that now, but at the time, it only triggered a huge depression, and there's nothing to celebrate about that.
Having already had a history of depression, this seeming "failure" sent me into a drastic downward spiral. A spiral that I stayed in for the next 4 years. A spiral that consisted of yo-yo dieting, binge-eating and clusters of gym visits that would die out as soon as my scale told me it was no use. I was literally outeating all of my efforts, so what was the point? Try as I may, I just couldn't get a hold of my impulses to eat, nor could I boost my energy at the gym (Well, how could I? I wasn't fueling my body properly!) Every new year was going to be "the year" that I finally got back down to my best weight. And every "new year" would bring more failure. Failure to keep my eating in check. Failure to fit into that next size down. Failure to make the scale move in any direction but up. So, I put on a happy face and went through the motions of being a mom and wife, school volunteer, teacher, writer, you name it, I did it. After all, I didn't dwell on my body and my unhappiness while helping others, so it was just easier to push "me" aside.
In the summer of 2017 my family visited New York City with some friends. By this time I was avoiding pictures and trying my best to make my strained stretchy jeans do their job of holding it all in. One evening my very persuasive friend convinced me to get in one group picture. It was taken quickly and I didn't think I'd see it again, so no big deal. We continued on our trip where I constantly worked on putting a smile on my face, shoving the insecurities down, and taking in the sights with my family. Mentally exhausting is an understatement, but it ended up being a trip full of wonderful memories, except for my luggage of insecurities, constant self-shame, self-deprecation and self-loathing, but those were mine to worry about, not my family's, so, yes, it was a wonderful trip with wonderful memories.
But remember that picture? The one I thought I'd never see again? Well, I did, at our friends' house, in all its 8x10 glory, happily displayed on their counter for all to see. I was in absolute shock when I saw it. Oh. My. God. Is that really me? Are those really my cheeks? My arms? How did this happen? How did I let this happen? I was heavier than I had ever been (except pregnancy) and I was just in disbelief! Seeing that photo was a serious wake-up call and I started getting serious about my eating and exercising. By the end of 2017 I had lost 12 pounds. I was feeling better and was trying to keep it up when the holidays hit. Then my birthday. Then the Super Bowl. Then, and then, and then . . . there were countless reasons to eat, so I did. And I had yet again let anxiety and depression stop me from going to the gym, so it isn't a huge surprise that by the end of 2018, I had regained 8 of the 12 pounds I had lost. I was feeling absolutely hopeless . . .
. . . until one night at the end of this past December when I was perusing Facebook and saw a video about a 6-Week Challenge being hosted by Maine Warrior Gym. My family had been members of MWG for some time, with my girls attending Youth Ninja classes and my husband and I dabbling in Adult Ninja Fitness classes, but nothing really serious. Oh, I did throw an axe in the Axe Pit once. That was pretty awesome. But, I digress. Anyway, I was scrolling through Facebook, caught Tim Johnson's video about this challenge, didn't think much of it, and moved on. Then I saw it on Instagram. Then again on Facebook. Ok, ok, I'll watch the whole thing and see what this is all about. 40 people to do a challenge where, if you reach your goal, you get your money back??? What??? Well, at this point, what have I got to lose? JUST FAT! With all of my anxiety rearing its ugly head and screaming at me not to go out of my comfort zone, I finally told it to shut up and registered for an information session. I had no idea what I was getting into, but it couldn't be all that bad, so I just went for it.
At the information session I learned that I would pay an upfront fee which would get me 3-4 classes in the Strength Studio per week, a detailed nutrition plan, and access to trainers who were ready and willing to help through text, email, Facebook and in person pretty much all day every day. And, yes, if I indeed reached my goal (either 20 lbs. or 5% body fat lost--based on BMI), I would get my money back or I could use it toward an extended membership. Sounds too good to be true? IT'S NOT! What better incentive than your money back?! Well, it was enough for me! I finally had the right carrot in front of me, as well the right support behind me (which I have learned is so much more important than the carrot).
It was an intense 6 weeks, from the beginning of January to the middle of February, with lots of cravings and some setbacks (ahem, my birthday fell during week 3, so I ate cake. Lots of cake. But then I got right back on track because I had something to prove--to myself!). I hit plateaus and the trainers put up with my whining and complaining, but they just told me to keep trusting the process, and they did tweak a few nutrition pieces for me. The support from the trainers and the other challengers, as well as those who had already finished their challenges but were still attending classes, was unprecedented. Never before had I felt so comfortable in a gym. Never before had I felt so welcome for who I am at that very moment. I started to crave the classes. I started to feel strong and see changes in my body. I found a new confidence I hadn't had in years.
Low and behold, two days before I was set to do my 6-week weigh "out" to see if I had dropped 5% BF, I measured it just for kicks and giggles, and I had dropped 5.5% BODY FAT! I couldn't believe it! All of my hard work and determination had paid off. The coaches let me count this as my final weigh-in, so I WON THE CHALLENGE! I had so much to gain and nothing to lose (except fat) at this point, and I just went for it and I won. I had started to think I would never feel in charge of my own body again. I had started to believe that food would control me for the rest of my life, but I kicked its butt! I immediately signed up for the VIP Membership (sponsored by Maine Warrior Gym for Macaroni Kid Portland) and I have been going to classes ever since and checking in daily with the Facebook groups that MWG provides.
Now, I'd be lying if I omitted the part where I went off the nutrition plan from mid-February to May (though I did keep up with the workouts) and, while I only gained back a couple of pounds (a slippery slope!), I started feeling pretty crappy and knew that if I didn't dig in again, I'd regret it. Plus, I have more weight to lose! The 6-week challenge wasn't the end-all. This time I didn't need a financial carrot in front of me, but I knew I needed support behind me, and I already had it at MWG. So I upped my game and joined another challenge. I've discovered that I work best under a little competitive pressure, so why not embrace it? I am about to end week 1 of my newest challenge and I have already hit a new low--a weight I haven't seen since 2013. 3 more weeks to go in this challenge! Keep the challenges coming and keep the support behind me and I'll continue to be stronger, more confident and both mentally and physically healthier than I have ever been.
Throughout this amazing journey, I have also started coming to terms with the fact that I have a food addiction; food is my drug of choice. It gives me a temporary high that makes all other feelings subside, just for a moment. Then the guilt, sadness, desperation, anger, and hopelessness all creep right back in, which make me want another hit. And so the cycle goes. There is no joke in the saying that admitting a problem is half the battle. Now that I am armed with this realization, I feel like I have regained so much power. I feel like I owe it to myself to stay on this healthy path I have found. I now know I am always going to have a struggle with food. It's a part of me and since I can't just give up food, I have to work at it each and every day. It's hard, but the nutrition guidelines help, as well as my husband and the amazing trainers at Maine Warrior Gym. I truly could not stay on this journey without them. Once you have the skills and the knowledge they're so willing to share with you, success is ultimately up to you, but they are certainly willing to be right by your side.
The photo on the left is from July 2013. The photo on the right is from March 2019. While the 21-pound difference between these photos is quite obvious, the positive mental shift and newfound confidence may be less so. The smiles might look the same, but trust me, they are not. I am amazed and motivated every single time I look at these photos. Perhaps I'll never overcome my struggle with food--who knows--but I will continue to strive to keep it under control and to push myself to become a better person each and every day.
Maine Warrior Gym has helped hundreds of people shed over 2,000 pounds since last year through these 6-Week Challenges. If you'd like more information on them, please visit www.mainewarriorgym.com or visit their Facebook page.
Maine Warrior Gym is a proud sponsor of Macaroni Kid Portland. While my VIP membership is provided in trade for advertising on Macaroni Kid Portland, I did pay the upfront fee for my 6-Week Challenge and I earned it back, just as other 6-Week Challengers did. This story is my honest and true account of my journey.
